repair estimate

Very Promising

2007-10-01T22:26:00.001-05:00

I think the last time I was this excited about technology was when I got my Canon 20D. This is truly promising. I can almost taste the freedom.

Pillars - Mentors

2007-09-21T09:25:00.000-05:00

I am going to start a new series today called Pillars. Life and relationships don't have to be destructive, unhealthy—terminal. There are a few lifesaving elements that I have leaned on over the years and have discovered them to timely, trustworthy, and absolutely non-negotiable. I start with Mentors.

I have no recollection of processing and making any big decision without the involvement of mentors. For me, getting from A (the present) to B (desired future) requires mentors. I know many who negotiate life's twists and turns in dark and isolated corners. I have witnessed bad decisions layered upon bad decisions, crippling and darkening relationships and circumstances, minds and hearts. In the end, a negative and twisted perspective of God, life, others, and self emerges, finds stronghold, and perpetuates self-authority, which really is no authority at all.

Some statements:

- God, the body of Christ, truth, light are made tangible and effective through Mentors.

- The quality of living and dying well are determined primarily by my support system, not by my competence.

- Decision making is not so much about the making of it but how it is made. The truths of a matter eventually emerge, and truths are true apart from my making of it. Therefore, I submit more than I make.

- Convergence is a beautiful thing.

- My wife trusts me with her life. Unpack that and you'll see that her trust is really in my support system.

I have a list somewhere of the mentors I've had in my life, and to them I owe my life. Just this week, I talked with five different mentors, five mighty men, five warriors, defenders of God's call and work in and through my life. God is with me, this is know.

Confessions - Conscience

2007-09-16T08:45:00.000-05:00

I have been observing for the past several months this phenomenon:

When my conscience is violated in any way, either against someone specific or in general, my need to justify that violation increases. And this justification can take the form of criticizing or moving forward in denial behavior. It doesn't seem to matter much if I violate my own conscience or if someone else sins against me. Violation leads to violation which leads to violation. Sin begetting sin, a deadly, self-perpetuating cycle of death to death. The truth is, most people live in a constant state of insecurity, guilt, shame, and self-justification, on the verge of destroying, bullying, threatening, or running from anything that threatens our fragile existence, like noxious fumes ready to ignite and explode (or implode).

I have found regular reprieve through prayer, confession, and immediate change in action. I can, if I pause and pray, repent and turn the whole ship around. I have had days when I've been able to live the whole day in a totally different state of love, patience, kindness, for-ness, and easy laughter.

If you want to read more about this, you can read this or this book.

A bit much for a Sunday morning, huh?

Jedi's

2007-09-13T01:12:00.000-05:00

I spent most of Wed in CT at the Conference office—a couple of back-to-back meetings, one with my spiritual director followed by one with my superintendent. My times with them were just fantastic. They are both incredibly high quality human beings: trustworthy, honest, above reproach, sharp, and more. I would trust my life's decisions with them. There seems to be no stupidity in them. I feel absolutely blessed to have them in my life.

Two things were affirmed for me today:
1. I want to invest my life in leaders.
2. I hope to be a valuable asset to others, as these men are to me.

Do you have one or two Jedi's in your life?

Confessions - Depression 3

2007-09-06T10:32:00.000-05:00

I entered a period of depression on Friday, Aug 24th. I woke up this past Tuesday, Sep 4th, and the depression was gone (had receded). And I knew, going to bed on Monday night that I would wake up to a new day. Exactly ten days.

Here is the confession: Tuesday morning, as I began to notice that I no longer felt depressed, I began to grieve it's loss. A big part of me wanted to be depressed still. For ten days, I had a "legitimate" excuse for less engagement, less responsibility, and more self-centeredness.

I also noted that this was the first time in my life that I have been able to see my depression at such a distance. I was able to measure it, note it's exact onset and withdrawal, and even miss it as if it was a separate part of me, like a good friend who was visiting from out of town.

I doubt it but I am tempted to wonder if it came by to say good bye.

I also wonder about its connection to my abusive past. The particular thought is that it was initially brought on by the abuse, that is, a violation of my spirit, and now it recurs when there is a violation of my conscience. Even if there is some form of abuse hurled in my direction, as long as I don't respond in sin and thus violate my conscience, depression stays away. Any attempt at illegitimately coping with pain (name your flavor here) opens the door for my old friend (as in the book of Matthew which uses "friend" negatively, as in "so called friend) to return.

So long for now, old friend .

Confessions - Satisfied

2007-09-01T21:39:00.001-05:00

It's almost 11 PM. Got back today from a staff retreat. Been working non-stop since 7:30 PM. My sermon for tomorrow is yet incomplete. I should be keeling over from exhaustion but instead, I feel happy. Satisfied. With my life, my family, my work, my community.

Why is happiness a confession? Well, two reasons:

One, admitting happiness is the same as inviting the other shoe to fall. It puts to test my functional god, my Cosmic Killjoy.

Two, admitting happiness is an experience of intimacy, of losing control, of vulnerability, of, perhaps, stupidity, from a Darwinian perspective.

Historically, I have been reticent to admit happiness, usually preferring to be negative. Not only is the glass half-empty, it's probably cracked, likely to cut your right thumb off (left if you are sinister), and leave you bleeding and thumbless on the side of the road.

Redemption is a good thing.

Magical Day

2007-08-30T15:35:00.000-05:00

Every now and then, I experience what I call a magical day. There are several factors like mood, weather, logistics, community, etc., but the overriding factor that makes a day magical is this clear sense of serendipity, or the presence of grace.

I had such a day yesterday, and it was confirmed by Gwen. The staff and I were chatting with Gwen at round 5:30p when she pulls me in close and says, "Peter, God wanted you to be here today. I just know it. He did many things." How did she know that I was having one of my magical days? I was just seeing her for the first time in 8 months! Well, the magical day became a magical night, and at the conclusion of magic as I sat in the living room at 2am, I was certain that grace and God had been present in a special way. I think I'd bet my life on it.

I need such days. My faith is very weak, and without these reminders of God's presence in my life, I don't know that I'd be able to keep going.

Johnny Walker, Red Label

2007-08-28T14:00:00.000-05:00

I am staring at an unopened, perhaps soon to be opened, bottle of Johnny Walker, decked out in Red.

Simon and I were driving on a typical Bayside road, on our way back from Home Depot, having just purchased materials for my stand-up desk, when all of a sudden, the Oldsmobile in front of me slams into a parked Audi A4. We were stunned silent. Then I thought, "What would Eugene (quick thinking, practical, generous, social) do?" We drove up alongside her car and began asking if she's okay. She ignored, or rather, evaded us. An older woman, in her sixties I'd say, wide, frizzy hair, was apparently shaken up a bit, fixed her glasses which had fallen off, and preceded to reverse her car and drive away. Immediately, the compassion was taken over by justice, and I committed her license plate to memory, pulled over, wrote down the plate number and time, and called 911. They instructed me to write down all I saw on paper and leave it with the car. It was 10:02 PM.

The next day, I got a frantic call from Dana at 6:30 AM, thanking me for doing what I (spirit of Eugene) did. Then Jay, her fiancé, the owner of the A4 gets on the phone, thanks me, and asks confidently, "Listen, Peter, let me ask you a question: What do you like to drink?" Insincerely, I replied, "That's not necessary." Then Jay: "Please, Peter, I just want to say thank you. Tell me, what do you like to drink." Then shamelessly, I answered, "How about whiskey." Jay: "You got it. I'll call you tonight."

Sure enough, evening rolls around and I get a call from Jay asking me to come by and pick up a small gift. Susie and I stop by in front of his house, and we start chatting. Tells us a bunch of things: 23 years old. Just bought a 3 family house. Sold 2 businesses and about to start another one. Just got engaged. Bought a diamond ring for 7k. I'm thinking, Here is this kid, just 23 years old, and from certain vantage points, has done quite well for himself. Wow.

Then it dawns on me, of course he's doing well. I'm holding this bottle of Red in my hand and I realize that this bottle of the 2nd best selling whiskey in the world didn't just come from nowhere. It came from a guy who knows how to go out of his way to say thanks. He's good with people; he's savvy; he's diligent. And now he's made sure that I take good care of him should the police and his insurance company call. He does many things well. The businesses, the home purchase, the engagement, and now, even the whiskey, all (80) proof-positive of a boy well on his way to becoming a solid man. He had a lot, but at that moment, my heart wished him more. I blessed him.

It is true: Those who have much, even more will be given them. Those who have little, even what they don't have will be taken from them. This is divine law and love. Jay's Audi is out $5500, I found out, but nothing has actually been taken from him. To some, a car accident can be quite a loss, but to him, more will be given.

Stand-up Desk

2007-08-28T11:05:00.000-05:00

I am not sitting at my desk typing this but standing. For years now I've been wanting to stand rather than sit. The evolution went something like this:

Ergonomic chair from Costco - $100
Ball - $45
Back to chair - $slight-sense-of-failure
Wood and hardware to make desk leg extensions - $25
Witnessing a hit-and-run on the way home from Home Depot - $free-bottle-of-johnny-walker
Now standing at a stand-up desk - $tired-but-happy

Over the years of research I've learned about the benefits of stand-up desks:
- more alert
- more productive
- more efficient
- lose weight
- better posture

So, what say you? Wanna give it a try?

Confessions - Depression 2

2007-08-28T10:48:00.000-05:00

So I've been thinking some more about depression. Maybe there are answers out there but I don't have any solid ones for myself save this: For whatever reason, I am a wounded person. Just as a person might be physically wounded or sick, such am I spiritually. Not as visible, perhaps not as treatable but nonetheless, I walk with pain, a limp, a vulnerability, and at times a self-protectiveness not known to those who don't walk as I do. In some sense, of course, we all have wounds, but my particular combination causes me to experience depression on a regular basis, and I can accept that, and deal.

I've been observing, rather than escaping my depression, and I know some of the triggers. And honestly, it doesn't take much for me to be locked in sadness or shaken to the bone in fear.

I wonder what my kids will think of their old man. I hope and plan to father them, not in spite of my woundedness but through it, and I do believe they will be the better for it.

Confessions - Depression

2007-08-26T23:36:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure exactly what depression is for me but I do go through cycles of something. For a stretch, I feel motivated, happy, hopeful, and caring. Then for a few days, I feel the exact opposite: sad, unmotivated, less caring, and dark. Today is Sunday. I've been feeling down since Friday, and am now just beginning to pick up again. It was hard for me to be with people. The happiest and most hopeful times were when I was with my kids. I absolutely adore them, and for the time being, I found myself able to enter into their joy and be present with them. I wonder if they know that they give to me as much as I give to them.

Confessions - Inner Geek

2007-08-25T21:39:00.000-05:00

I think it's very costly, if not immediately, then definitely eventually, to sustain secrets. For many reasons, I believe that secrets are destructive and foreign to the human body and soul. Of course, I have secrets—I can't imagine a human being without any. And I've been toying around with the idea of confessing them, maybe one at a time, here on this blog, which very few people read. I've no idea where it will take me, how honest I'll actually be, and when I will stop. This may end up the first and last post. Here is my first secret:

I read this article, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I am seriously considering a switch to A4. I found this article to be satisfying, interesting, and helpful.

Yup, starting small.

Emelyn

2007-08-23T12:35:00.001-05:00

Emmy is probably the most powerful of the three, and will probably be the most successful from a material, physical, and spiritual perspective. She is spiritually intelligent, incredibly artistic, and sometimes fearful. The one trait that most defines her, however, is her focus.

Playing house, watching a cartoon, coloring, or building sand castles, nothing distracts her, mainly because she doesn't even hear the distraction. Everything else becomes white-noise when she is focused on something. And it's almost always something and not someone. I believe at about age 10-days, she discovered a world of things. She would put her hands up to be held, not to be held, but to be closer to something she had an eye on. Now, if she relates to people, it's only to talk about this thing or that. Focused, task and thing oriented, driven—that's my little Emmy.

Just to be fair, I should note that she, thankfully, has a need to recharge her batteries. About twice a day, she'll come in from her world of things to daddy, usually, or sometimes mommy, and want to hug for a good minute or two. Then she's off again on some serious mission which needs immediate accomplishing.

My prediction for her is this: She will be very fashionable, spiritual, and accomplished, if all else goes well.

Middle Child: Maddie

2007-08-22T13:44:00.000-05:00

I think this post is going to read a bit sad if you are one that believes nice guys finish last. Not that Maddie is all that nice but she's in that category or lot in life. Probably the most obvious thing about Maddie is her relational intelligence. Some want to know what you're doing; others want to know who's coming. Maddie, she'd be the one that calls each person to invite them personally, make welcome cards for each of them, and have one-on-one conversations all night. She absolutely loves the relational aspect of life.

There is not a day that goes by when she isn't adoring Sophie or mom or dad for minutes at a time. Sitting, caressing, stroking, smiling, gazing into our eyes. Even just minutes ago, she was up here in the office, sitting on my lap, holding tight onto both my arms, whispering to herself, "You're my daddy. You're my daddy," but not before generously doting on me two solid kisses, one on my left cheek and the other on my lips, completely unsolicited.

And she's like a shepherd, or an air traffic controller, except with people instead of sheep or planes, always keeping count of everyone. Where's dad? Where's Jessy, mama (Yeah, she says Mama. Just adorable!)? Is Sophia sleeping? Most people live on many different planes at different times throughout the day but she's always tuned into the relational plane, keeping track of who's coming and going, who's here and who's where. And she needs her fix of relational energy: hugs, words, kisses, and squeezes.

There are two effects of this high relational intelligence. One, people get the subtle but sure sense that she's "sweet." We're not quite sure how to prove this scientifically but we're certain of it's effect on us. Two, and this is the sad, pathetic part, she is extremely vulnerable to people. She can seem needy at times, and sometimes her needs can feel burdensome. In general, people are not trustworthy and consistent. To be perpetually vulnerable to them is to invite pain and wounds into one's life. And I fear this may be Maddie's life at times. I wish for her someone who is just as relational, gentle, and affectionate.

First, Sophie

2007-08-21T13:20:00.000-05:00

Some parents, especially moms, love their kids even while their child is still in-utero. Not us. Sure there are biological instincts that kick in that cause me to protect and care for my own but that's all that would kick in. No instant feelings of love. But I am slowly getting to know my kids and I feel a great deal of love for each of them. Knowing them, really seeing and getting who they are at their core, that takes attention, time, and consideration. And I'm finding that I'm getting better and faster at this with each kid.

I'll do a post on each kid, starting with Sophie, my youngest, who just celebrated her first birthday yesterday.

Sophie was a horribly difficult and testing pregnancy. Something appeared seriously wrong and was diagnosed with something so rare, most doctors had never even heard of it. All of the doctors, specialists, including Dr. Tim Johnson of ABC, our parents, friends, community, denominational uppers, all advised termination for the sake of Susie's well-being. We were distraught for months on end. When it came to it, we just could not bear the thought of torturing and ending our girl's life, so by default we risked everything (cancer, hysterectomy, sterility, mental retardation, muscular dystrophy, etc.) and pushed through (literally!). Misdiagnoses by everyone. Sophie? Perfect. Mom? Perfect. Doctors? Confused. Even apologized. The point of this story is that Sophia, without putting up a fight, survived a potentially horrific act of injustice. Lucky. Blessed. Fortunate. Yeah, all that and more.

Yesterday, she was going to have no party. We were too tired. Then at the least minute, during a last minute conversation with my mom, my mom convinced us to have a party for her. The whole afternoon as we were planning this emergency party, there was a sense of serendipity in the air. I felt it and noted it. My mother felt it and told me so. From planning to logistics, things kept falling into place. And almost all the invitees were able to come, bearing gifts and good will. A great time was had by all. And what did Sophie do? Nothing.

This is my overwhelming sense about her, that she is a lucky person. I am sure there is some science and spirit that explains how luck works but for now, suffice to say, Sophia has it going on. Interesting connection to this story: As I got to know Susie 14 years ago, this was my exact thought for her. I remember telling God: I want to marry her so that I can be near her as she gets all that is coming to her. Whatever blessings you have for her, I want to be in on it. Susie's got it. And now I see that Sophie's got it. Lucky girl...

Laughter

2007-08-19T23:02:00.000-05:00

Today, I annoyed the heck out of my wife. By ignoring her and avoiding certain duties, I managed to push all the wrong buttons, get under her skin, and tap into an already-present reservoir of frustration. And she let me have it, even following me into another room. She used to be a classroom teacher and man, did she use her teacher-voice on me. But I love my wife. I adore many of her ways, and I feel very safe with her. In short, I remained calm, non-serious yet engaged, and gave her ample room to vent. I pulled her close to me. With words and affection, I first made her smile, then laugh, then laugh harder. Soon, we were both smiling ear to ear. By then, it was easy for her to forgive me and let it all go, and it was easy for me to apologize and answer all her questions. Laughter, my friends, is good medicine. Rich Mullins has a great line in one of his songs: And if you make me laugh I know I can make you like me; cause when I laugh I can be a lot of fun; and when we can't do that I know that it is frightening; what I don't know is why we can't hold on... Have you laughed lately?

Out of the Mouth of Babes

2007-08-17T12:07:00.000-05:00

I had about $90 of birthday money left so the wife and I went to (where else?) Target and I blew it on a desk for our bedroom. My oldest daughter, who I consider to be especially precocious, was watching me assemble it when she started chatting with me:

E: Is that hard to do?
P: Well, for some people it is, but I'm good at this kind of thing so it's not hard for me.
E: Then you can help other people since you're good at it.
P: (Smiling in amazement) You're right, I should help others who aren't as good.
E: You're a good fixer. You're good at fixing things.

Now, mind you, I've spent a good deal of my life trying to figure out who the heck I am and what the heck I should be doing. We're talking classes, seminars, conferences, books, meetings, tests—hundreds of hours invested—and yet it's so clear and simple to a 4 year old: you're a fixer and you should help others. It's easy to dismiss (miss) the plain and obvious, looking for something more nuanced, complex, or glorious. What are we really looking or longing for in the questions that we think we're asking? Reminds me of the old Tom and Jerry cartoons: Tom is hungry and when he looks over at Jerry, instead of a mouse, he sees a roasted chicken. If we're hungry for love, we look for love; if for meaning, then meaning. The question is this: how would we see our world and selves if our biggest needs are met? If we are centered in God's love, secure in his promises, satisfied in his provision, our jobs can be just jobs, our spouses don't have to be perfect, our money becomes mere means, and we ourselves can serve others. I think many things are not so complex; we just make it so in an effort to find God.

Irreverent

2007-08-08T17:00:00.000-05:00

I was at a funeral yesterday. My sister's husband's mother's mother, age 88, passed. I was almost on time, was wearing a black suit with a conservative dark blue tie, and brought with me my lovely wife also clothed in black. I sang the hymn and closed my eyes during the prayers. I even tried to help out with a technical issue they were having. All this to say, I was playing the part, the way one should at a funeral, out of respect for the living and the dead. So I don't know what came over me but as soon as I got in line to view the body, an incontrollable urge to smile came over me. Twice, I had to turn away to let my face grin from ear to ear. When it was my turn at the body and I walked up to the face of the body, wouldn't you know it: on her face was a silly smile. I lost it. I had no choice. I smiled back. How irreverent is that? I felt awful. I immediately angled my apparently happy face towards the ground, and walked away. Just terrible, I was.

Diets

2007-08-01T22:37:00.001-05:00

I forget now when I read this—something regarding my blood type (O+) or regarding my personality type—but they tell me that I am always on some sort of diet, eating or not eating something or other. I remember when I was in elementary school, I decided on a whim that I was going to refrain from soda—and I did—for about 2 years. What kid does that? At a kid's party, I distinctly recall asking for milk (which I also stopped drinking for a while because you know, the dairy industry's conspiracy) rather than opting for the many carbonated beverage choices. I felt totally odd man out. I've been on several diets since then, and I'm on a few right now. Out of sheer laziness, I won't reference anything I am about to say but as far as I'm concerned, I am reacting to nothing less than gospel truth:

- no carbonated beverages whatsoever, including seltzer (average pH is about 2.5)
- no beverages with aspartame or saccharine (cancer)
- low carb meals
- no sugar/fat combos
- no bottled water, if possible

Not related but just to say: 84% of all sunscreen is harmful to skin, some even causing cancer. Almost every brand you will find at drugstores and such is terrible for you. The entire industry is unregulated and manufacturers can write whatever they want on the labels. Check this out. For a ranking of most sunscreens, follow the links in the article.

Love of Justice

2007-08-01T22:26:00.000-05:00

I was once the victim of an eBay scam and I lost a few hundred dollars—not too bad a payment for a lesson well learned—that is what I tell myself when I think back. At the time however, all I wanted was for the scammer to die a long and horrible death. In other words, I longed for justice. Not just for me for this one instance, but I wanted evidence of justice per se. If God was at all loving, he would have to be just, or for God to love me at the moment, nothing but justice would do. I think we like to argue justice against love but really, I think we all know that love and justice are best friends. Oh, speaking of eBay scams and justice, I think you will love the following 2 stories:

Romanian
British

The Naked Truth About Porn

2007-08-01T15:47:00.000-05:00

So being a pastor, I talk with guys (some gals too) regularly about porn. It's a real live issue. I am absolutely convinced of it's destructive power, not just for guilt-ridden Christians or marrieds but for all of humanity. And I am always open to new data on how porn actually destroys. I ran across two articles today that speak to the destructive power of porn. I should say that the second article doesn't actually make a point about porn but compares porn to what the author feels is at least an equally destructive force—the romance movie (read: idealism, escapism, objectification, addiction, etc.).

The Porn Myth (New York Magazine)
Chick Flicks Are Worse Than Porn

If you are someone that is in the grip of porn, whether that grip is tight or loose, I'd be more than willing to have a gentle, confidential, and healing sit-down with you. Please do drop me a line.

Transitioning Back

2007-08-01T15:37:00.000-05:00

Well, my sabbatical is over. It was great. It was well in sync with what God was already doing. And it was too short, I think. I am feeling better today but I did feel a bit down and grouchy the first couple of days back. Is there such a thing as post-sabbatical blues?

Hawaii was absolutely amazing. We stayed in probably the most luxurious accommodations that we will ever experience. Top-of-the-line everything. We loved the Asian-influenced culture and food selections. Goma-Tei and Tokkuri-Tei, nothing more, nothing less. The beaches, the views, the activities, the weather, the company, what more could a man's heart desire? Friends. With every moment of pleasure or joy, we could not help but think of a friend or two who would have loved the same. Names and faces crossed our minds all day long. Friends and family, we missed you, and I want you to know that mounds of stuff and places cannot compete with the gift of you! But it was nice not having the kids for a while.

We are home now, and as they say, there is no place like home, and I have come to see that home is where your heart is.

Wednesday, July 18th

2007-07-18T15:27:00.000-05:00

Right now, I am sitting at a desk, overlooking the city, watching the corner of the sunset. It's 5:43 AM, Hawaii time. I am awestruck by God's creation—sand, water, fish, mountains, sky, color, formations—and by man's recreative power—steel, structure, order, comfort, convenience. I am aware of the smallness, fragility, and insignificance of my existence apart from those who love me. The loving parents who just filled my heart with life and strength giving words. My go-with-the-flow wife who lies a few feet from me who is looking forward to the day. The community back home who gathered their love and their dollars so that their anxiety-ridden pastor can find rest. And then there are generous friends and family who are sacrificially caring for the girls because from their heart, they are for, and want good, for me and my better half. Last but not least, there is God, my Father, the lover of my soul, who works in my life to make me more like Him. He cleanses my conscience each morning with new mercies, grants me hope and vision, and guides each step of my journey.

Friends, what have we if not the love and support of others? Who are we apart from God's will for us? Lord, may you center me in you, and give to me a grateful heart.

Tuesday, July 17th

2007-07-17T15:25:00.000-05:00

Well, the first part of the sabbatical is over. I have learned more than I imagined I would, and as I often say during my sermon prep to Susie, "it's in the oven." We are in Oahu, Honolulu, HI for 9 days. It's absolutely surreal being here, especially sans kids. Sophie is in NY with a loving family, and Emmy and Maddie are partying it up with grandma in Chicago. Please do pray for us and the kids. Pray also for God to continue speaking in these last few days, completing all that he wanted to accomplish during the six weeks.

Please drop me a line. I'd love to hear from you as I ease back into community life. I'll send you a few pics too if you want.

Monday, July 2nd

2007-07-02T15:24:00.000-05:00

Today is the first day of my 3rd week here in Chicago. It has been difficult over the past 2 weeks to get my mind off of "work", partly because I'm anxious, but mostly because I understand that QW is on the verge of a wonderful transition from Starting to Building. I remember, like it was yesterday, the hopelessness I felt in the beginning of this transition. I saw little in me that could contribute to this next phase. Even more dismal than that, I saw very little of God. I saw before me a church that was 2 years old, creatively gathered around a beautiful vision, eager and willing to work together, open to leadership, growing in faith and love. But where was God in all this? What now? And how?

I am dedicating set times this week to try and flesh out the next 4 to 6 years for QW, at least something that I can bring to the leaders at QW for their input. Please do pray for me and this process. I have been praying for God to speak, even as clearly and powerfully as he did 4 years ago. The past clarity was surrounding the vision of the church. Now the clarity needs to be around the fleshing out of that vision.

Monday, June 25th

2007-06-25T15:23:00.000-05:00

It's easy to have and to hold a picture of the kind of leader I feel I need to be in order to serve God and church well. Some of the details of this picture have been collected from various leaders I've encountered or from stories I've heard. It has been dawning on me that this picture is yet again another form of escape and laziness. Really, what I'm thinking is: "If I can be this and that kind of leader, then I'll do well." Which is to say that I am believing that leadership and success will be guaranteed or automatic. In other words, less work, less risk. In reality, life involves getting up each day, embracing the responsibility of whatever call, and making oft hard choices to live life according to the values and purposes of the specific call. There is no way to escape this. There is no emotion or conviction or even love that "just" carries a person through to the finish line.

I am reading 4 books these days: Sacred Rhythms, The Gift of Being Yourself, Blink, and my current favorite, Leadership and Self-Deception. The last book is phenomenol. What it speaks of taps into thoughts I've had for a long time. Basically, the books says this: There are traits in each person that the person is more or less blind to or self-deceived about. These very same traits are more or less obvious and known to others on at least some level. However, this gap is never quite bridged, and as a result, infects everything. Deal with this gap, and you'd be dealing with almost all relational or organizational problems. The question that is asked is: How can an organization or a relationship or a family develop a loving, caring, truth-telling culture, that is, a confessional culture? The book is not a Christian one and so it doesn't use the words that I've used but isn't it interesting that the Bible, written long ago, still remains to date, the best selling book of all time? John testifies of Jesus: "He was full of grace and truth." Jesus says of himself: "I am the way, the truth, and the life." I swear to you, every good book I've ever read, I've already read in the Bible.

Thursday, June 21st

2007-06-21T15:22:00.000-05:00

Had a very productive meeting with my new monk friend, Father Gibbs, yesterday. He was gentle, quick, and gifted. In just a few minutes, we were able to get acquainted, map out the 4 remaining weeks, and make some predictions. He described our times together as "work" and indeed it was. I came home exhausted, in some ways dreading all the work that lay ahead. Self is a very complex and stubborn animal. Here is a link to the monastery in Wisconsin: http://www.benetlake.org.

I have not been able to stop thinking of church or church folk. Anxious for some. Hoping for the best for all.

Tuesday, June 19th

2007-06-19T15:19:00.000-05:00

Today was day 2 of the sabbatical. Gym. Children's Museum. Chicago dogs. And now Starbucks with my wonderful wife. What a generous gfit of life a sabbatical can be. Tomorrow I meet with a Benedictan monk up in Wisconsin.

I have a love/hate relationship with my cell phone. I can't be without it and yet whenever it rings, anxiety and fear strike me. Possible bad news, the other shoe dropping, I think. What an unsafe world I must live in inside my head. I read a funny Calvin and Hobbes strip today. Hobbes asks Calvin if he believes in God. Pause. Then Calvin answers: "Well, someone is out to get me."

At the end of Howard's sabbatical, Howard found himself spending 4 hours in a kiddie pool with his kids, something that was unimaginable prior to his sabbatical. Ability to be present! I thank God for Howard's input into my ministry life.

Vacation

2007-03-07T18:49:00.000-05:00

I am in the middle of the second week of a four week vacation. Vacations are not my forte. It took me an entire week to transition into vacation mode. Then finally, we were able to pull ourselves away from the spinning plates in NYC to Chicago. And three days into Chicago, I am finally feeling like my vacation has begun. Now it feels like it's going to end too soon. Hopefully, we'll be at Gwen's next week. Boring post. But hey, I'm on vacation.

New Discovery

2007-02-24T13:27:00.000-05:00

So I've run a few races now since I've gotten into running, and today, during my 4-mile race, something dawned on me: I always take 3 miles to warm up, and after that, I feel like I can keep running on and on. I'm not as good at shorter races.

If running is a microcosm of me and my life, what does this say about me? I've always thought of myself as a sprinter type...

Punch From God

2007-02-23T12:53:00.000-05:00

I sold an unlocked phone on Ebay. He emailed me and asked if I was willing to ship to Indonesia. Sure, I said. So the auction ends and he pays but for some reason, the confirmed address doesn't match his requested ship to address. I do a little private eye work and it turns out that this guys has hijacked someone's Ebay account to win the bid and then used another stolen PayPal account to pay for the item. I called both the victims, one in FL and the other in MD.

I want to go over to Indonesia, walk up to him, and punch him in the nose, and say, "That's from God. He hates you." Then I want to buy him a cup of coffee and ask him his story.

Burnout, Marriage, and Danger

2007-02-22T17:20:00.000-05:00

I have been, for the most part, diagnosed with burnout. Trust issues have led to a compulsive, restless, vapor-trail existence, and now I have reached the end of myself. Running to the next thing is no longer an option. Learning to rest, learning to pray, learning to trust.

For the next 4 weeks, I'll be on vacation.

Engaging in new rhythms of rest and work and play has shed light on my marriage – I did not see this coming. The big picture is that my wife and I do not have a very intimate, mutually vulnerable relationship, and that we don't really know how to. Within that larger frame are smaller, symptomatic issues like our emotional connection, sex-life, relational energy towards each other, time spent on maintaining the relationship, etc.

I am a Christian minister and most of my time is spent giving to other people. Combine this with burnout and a weak marriage, and I have myself one very vulnerable self to care for.

May God have mercy on me.

Dreams, For What They're Worth

2006-12-26T13:19:00.000-05:00

I have been having vivid dreams about Queenswest lately. Very good, powerful, and visionary dreams. Gives me pause. Usually great deams of the future precede difficult times of trial and formation... Others have also been telling me of their Queenswest dreams over the last few weeks.

Last night, Sophie was sick, so my sleep was broken, but I had two very distinct dreams that were continuous. The first dream: It was a Queenswest worship service. In a huge auditorium filled with all sorts of people, very diverse and lively and urban in feel, a service was going on that was not simple or complex - just many, many parts and pieces to it. But it wasn't long either, a very fast paced service, one short thing after the other. I saw myself walking around, waiting to go up to preach, kind of being shadowed by a little black boy. Then I was awakened by Sophie.

Part two was the after service gathering. I was at Eugene and Helen's house, counseling someone, writing things down. Then people started coming one by one. Apparently I was trying to squeeze in a meeting before a party of some sort. The house was filled with Queenswesters, again all diverse, very happy and charged. Then the little black boy came up to me with a coat that I had given him money to buy for me. As I put on the coat, everyone started making fun of how Korean and FOB-ie I looked. In the midst of laughter, I was awakened again.

I know dreams are dreams, but dreaming is what we do. Have you had a QW dream lately? Pray tell.

Gifts

2006-12-18T13:18:00.000-05:00

No, not the Christmas kind. Spiritual gifts. There are gifts that I have and gifts that I don't have. Today, it became crystal clear that I don't have the gift of FAITH. I think part of it is that faith requires much humility. Faith, by definiiton, is not confidence in ourselves but confidence in God. Therefore, faith is directly proportional to humility. Discouragement, doubt, fear -- all of these things are about me, and they drain me of faith, faith for Sanctuary, faith for me, faith for the future. Perhaps I'll continue this post at a later time with better news, but for now, I see clearly my lack of faith.

Funks. Why?

2006-12-18T13:17:00.000-05:00

So I find myself in a funk yet again. But this time, I'm angry about it. Why am feeling all funky again? Why? What do I mean by funky? I feel generally: discouraged, critical, irritable, hopeless, and unmotivated. Parts of me want to run the hell away. Parts of me knows and loves too much to do that. Other parts of me want to act out in one way or another. The amazing thing is that I remain pretty functional all the while, and in some arenas, productivity increases.

Church, you have a pastor who is prone to funks. Thank you for walking and growing with me.

One Third of a Century Old Today

2006-12-06T13:16:00.000-05:00

Today, at 4PM, I will be exactly 1/3 of a century old. 33.33* years old. Pretty cool. I want to celebrate somehow, just a small but meaningful marker, acknowledgement of some sort.

God, you have been faithful to me.

Long Day and Night

2006-12-06T13:15:00.000-05:00

Regularly, too regularly, I have these days and nights. Yesterday, my day stated at 6 AM with kids needing food, Dora, and hugs. Not all bad. Then staff meeting from 8:30 AM to noon. Then James took my phone with him by accident (so he tells me). Then a long and random video interview about me, church, ministry, diversity, etc., from 1 PM to 4 PM. Then work until 11:30 PM. In bed at last.

Then at 4 AM, I hear Maddie crying and calling me (why not mom?). Then Emmy wakes up. Then Sophia wakes up. Emmy and Maddie go to bed with mom and I take Sophia downstairs to feed and change her. Thankfully she takes to the bottle and downs 5 ounces. I stick her in the swing.

It's almost 5 now, and I keep smelling something that smells like poop, of the non-human variety. I remained in denial for a couple of minutes. Slowly but surely, the clues started to fit together. Usually Lucy is groggy and lays still at night, but since 4, she had been following me around; then the smell; it all made sense. So I looked at Lucy's usual emergency spot on the hardwood floor in front of the bathroom. A life truth rushed to me right then and there: When you smell something, it's because you're smelling something, not nothing.

I put on 2 jackets, and took Lucy outside. She immediately went to business, and as soon as we came back in, she went right to her spot and slept. But I was up, as was Sophie. Then around 5:30 AM, Susie and the girls came down -- they had been up the whole time in bed. Sophie fell asleep in the swing. Dora was on. I made Ovaltine for the girls. Now it was finally my turn.

I went upstairs, grabbed a blanket, came back downstairs, and slept on the couch for about an hour and a half. Why the couch? I felt too guilty sleeping in the bedroom while Susie had all three girls. Don't ask. Sometimes it just kicks in.

Up again at 8:30 AM. Susie took Emmy to school, and afterwards she had a church related meeting. I had Maddie and Sophie duty. Susie came home at 12:30 PM. I came up into the office and decided I needed to do something recreational and restorative, and this blog was the best I could come up with at the time. So here you go.

BTW, I forgot to mention: Susie scraped our minivan along our house wall and gutter drain pipe this morning, and to my credit, I hugged her, told her that it's okay, and that I love her, which I do. It's 1:24 PM right now. Man, I'm drained.

Vivid Dream

2006-12-05T13:14:00.000-05:00

I woke up to a very vivid dream this morning. I was preaching at a Korean-American conference that lasted several days, speaking three times a day. After each sermon, I went to my corner where Queenswesters were waiting for me.

I found each sermon that I preached to be terrible, missing the mark, or I was generally bored and unprepared. One time, I went up to speak and I was met by a first generation man who fired me on the spot. I went back to my corner and listened as he prayed for a sign from God.

I got up from my corner, walked to the platform, took the microphone from him, and began to speak, for the first time in fervor, zeal, and passion. I said: "The gap is not between you and God, but between the first and second generations. And God has given you a sign. Even as the great fish spit Jonah out of its belly onto the beach of Nineveh, so you have rejected me."

Then the dream ended, and I woke up, and told Susie what I dreamt.

Thoughts? Please email me.

Slump

2006-12-03T13:14:00.000-05:00

I don't know what the deal is, but for the past month or so, I feel myself in a preaching slump. Actually, I really appreciate the content but I can't seem to package and deliver it well. Arggg! My wife tells me that she senses God doing a new work of developing me into a different kind of preacher. Time will tell. In the meantime, please do pray for me, for encouragment, humility, focus, and perseverance. Thank you.

Porn, Continued

2006-12-02T13:12:00.000-05:00

I don't have much more that I am going to say here, if anything. I do want to say/confess this:

I, just like all the other men (and women), have been effectively, and detrimentally, and inaccurately educated by our pornographic culture, and it's going to take some serious re-education and soul-searching to come to terms with the facts of life.

Porn hurts everyone, in every way. Any good, if ever any, that comes from porn is a testament to God and his redemptive power which works good out of evil (e.g., The Cross).

Here is a very good article from New York Magazine. Though written from a secular perspective, it is filled with truth. It even quotes a verse from the Bible as the truth regarding practical human sexuality, nailing sexuality into its true and life-giving context.

Men (and women) of Queenswest. God aches to give us the God-invented gift of sex. Let us continue to face the truth that we might have life to the full.

Timing and Irony

2006-11-28T13:11:00.000-05:00

Can I say this? I feel absolutely about this past Sunday's sermon. I don't remember the last time that I felt this badly about a sermon. But I am comforted now, as I see my Surgeon at work.

Perfect Sermons

2006-11-14T13:10:00.000-05:00

I heard something today that pricked and tickled me: "Jesus does not demand perfect sermons from you; perfect sermons are more about you than about Jesus." Now I know that perfect sermons are far from what I preach but every Sunday I am disappointed when this ever elusive perfect sermon is not achieved.

I have found time and again that God uses sermons without respect to their nearness to perfection. I am a firm believer in diligence and gifting the church with the best meal possible but at the end of the day, only God knows what needs to be done on a given Sunday morning. My goal ought to be trust and faithfulness.

And of course it's not just about perfect sermons. There are a myriad of issues related to performance, anxiety, control, overwork, ego, insecurity, drivenness, faithlessness, and prayerlessness. If I believe God called me, God planted Queenswest, God is working, etc., how would that change how I do ministry? The truth of the matter is that anxiety cannot add a single hair to my balding head.

Emmy, Meet Jesus

2006-10-26T13:09:00.000-05:00

Grace is a big thread in my life, and I want to pass this onto my children. So I have been trying to Gospelize Emmy. We have a routine:

E: Daddy, do you like my outfit?

P: Yes, it looks beautiful. Why does it look beautiful?

E: Because I'm beautiful.

P: Why are you beautiful?

E: Because you love me.

P: Why do I love you?

E: Because you love me.

P: That's right. Why do I love you?

E: Because Jesus died for us.

On Tuesday, around 3:30 PM, Emmy, for the first time, asked me why Jesus died for us. I saw the opportunity and I went for it:

P: Because he had to die for us.

E: Why did it have to die for us?

P: Because he loves us but could not be with us.

E: Why?

P: Because we are bad and he is good. Are you always good?

E: Yes.

P: Really? How about when you...

We went on like that for 40 minutes. We talked about the cross. The resurrection. The spear that pierced Jesus' side. For example:

E: How come Jesus doesn't have any clothes on the cross?

P: Because they took all this clothes.

E: Why?

P: Because they are bad and they wanted Jesus, who is good, to feel bad.

And:

E: How come God can bring Jesus back from the dead?

P: Because God made everything, even life.

E: In 6 days?

P: Yes, he made everything.

E: I like God.

P: Why?

E: Because he made Jesus live again.

On and on it went like this. Then I asked her if she wanted to pray:

P: What do you want to pray for?

E: Jesus.

P: You want to pray for Jesus?

E: Yes. I want to pray for Jesus.

I led her in the sinner's prayer. We asked for a relationship with God through Jesus, God's son. We asked for the gift of the Holy Spirit. We prayed for growth and faith and vision for her life. Then Maddie who was next to us the whole time wanted to pray too. We prayed that Maddie would come to know Jesus one day. Then Emmy said she lied praying. So I told her to pray all the time and gave her a laundry list of things she can pray about.

I don't know if it was emotions or God or both but the whole time, the air felt so thick. I was holding back my tears. The significance and privilege of leading my own child to Christ was something I did not feel worthy of doing.

So was this real? Did Emmy really accept Christ as her Savior and Lord? Was genuine faith at work? Time will tell, but I do think that it does not get any more real than that for a 3 year old. Anyways, salvation is not about us and our realness but God and his work and ability to complete what he starts.

Yesterday, Emmy asked me again why Jesus had to die, and we went over it again. I do believe a seed has been planted. And now, as God has charged me as her father with her growth, I charge you, my church family, to work alongside me to participate in the work that God has begun in her.

Torture

2006-10-11T13:08:00.000-05:00

Having this 3rd baby is one of the most difficult things Susie and I have ever done. From working through the pregnancy issues to Maddie's reaction to the shift in family roles, this new stage in life is kicking our butts. One very difficult thing has been the lack of good sleep for the whole family.

For example, Maddie has taken to climbing out her crib. 2 nights ago, from 7:20 PM to 9:20 PM, she climbed out of her crib, out of her room, and stood before us 89 times. Then she woke up at 5 AM, came to our room, and woke us up. A few minutes later, Emmy woke up crying and I took Emmy to another room to try and sleep. Emmy cried next to me until the sun came up. The whole family woke up from our non-sleep in total exhaustion. Last night, Maddie climbed out of her crib 59 times from 7:40 to 8:40. Not bad. Then she climbed out 6 times around midnight. Then at 3 AM, she climbed out for about an hour -- I would guess about 30 times. At around 4, I took Maddie to another room to try and sleep with her. And again, the Sung family woke up from our non-sleep in total exhaustion. I think this kind of sleep deprivation is considered a torture technique. The real trooper emerging from all of this is Emmy. Understanding, patient, calm. The other morning when she was crying, I was getting increasing annoyed and asked her,

"Emmy, when Maddie cries, don't you get upset?"

"No."

"Do you get mad?"

"No."

"What do you do then?"

"I just cover myself with my blanket and go to sleep."

"Do you want me to throw her away?"

"No." (Laughing).

"How about I put her in the toilet?" (More laughing).

"No."

"Then what should we do with her?"

"Maybe we can put her outside. But I want to be outside with her."

"Why?"

"So I can take care of her if she cries."

"What will you do?"

"I will kiss her and hug her and hold her."

I am moved my the Imago Dei in my little Emmy. I am tortured by Maddie's new found climbing abilities. I am so very tired.

Angry and Stuff

2006-10-10T15:53:00.000-05:00

I am not preaching for the next 3 Sundays. Time off is good but it's also dangerous. Sunday night, after my last sermon, I felt myself getting sick. The glands in my face started getting tender and swollen. Fought it off by Wednesday night. Then other stuff start coming out of me. Been real angry all day. Whenever I feel angry, I find myself thinking more about Jesus, and I'm not just saying that cause I'm a pastor. I know he was angry a lot... For years, I kept anger way submerged, mostly because I did not have a good model of appropriate anger, the kind of anger that hates sin and loves people. I feared anger cause all I knew was out of control anger. As I get healthier, I find myself angrier. Jesus, how did you do anger, not just without sin but against sin?

Emerging Movement

2006-08-24T13:06:00.000-05:00

You may or may not know what the emerging movement or emerging conversation is, but it's like the Matrix -- all around you and in you. Our denomination, the ECC, has a good article that explains what it is. It's good read, and I believe parts of the article will resonate and click for many. So what is Queenswest Church?

Rick Warren

2006-08-22T13:06:00.000-05:00

I am now a father to 3 girls. If you want to see pics of my kids, you can see them here. Susie and the baby are not even home yet and I am just drop dead tired. In all honesty, I have been trying to do all things well. In the midst of trying to do all things well, I found myself thinking about Rick Warren, pastor of Saddleback Church. Pastor Rick is just about as respectable, diligent, and amazing as far as leaders and pastors go. He runs a huge 20,000 member church, writes books, ministers all over the world, gives away 90% of all his money, and much, much more. FOX is running a special on Rick Warren this coming Sunday at 8 PM -- it's in my calendar. Thinking of men like him humbles and inspires me. Of course, I'm not running the global P.E.A.C.E. plan for Rwanda's Purpose Driven Nation program, but little ol' me is filled to the rim with life and I am glad to be alive.

Billy Graham

2006-08-10T13:05:00.000-05:00

I admit that I idealize Billy Graham, but I have never thought of him as perfect. He does many things well and he is on the verge of finishing well. But he has not done everything well. For example, as a young figure, he divulged parts of a private conversation that he had had with President Truman and as a result, he was banned from the White House during Truman's presidency. Billy Graham's darkest hour was when he was taped exchanging anti-semitic remarks with Nixon -- of course these tapes were released for all to hear in horror and disappointment. Graham later begged forgiveness from Jewish leaders and admitted that it was a momentary "desire to please".

Why am I writing about Billy Graham? Because I am certain that I will not walk better than Billy, which means that I will have dark hours, make horrible mistakes, and hurt many, many people. Every leader is born and shaped, Robert Clinton says. What lies before me is much shaping, I know.

Journey

2006-08-10T13:04:00.000-05:00

I don't know; maybe God is doing something. It's not just anger that I'm feeling more these days. I am finding myself more easily touched and moved, almost to tears. I was reading an article about a preacher who is struggling to finish well and I was moved. I was listening to Keller explaining his heart out about the truthfulness of the Christian claim and I was moved. I was reading an article about a husband and wife learning to grow old together and I was moved. In the midst of all of this being moved business, I noticed that I can be very much moved at one moment and still, at the very next moment, be irritated and small-hearted. How can this be, I wondered. Then I realized something that is difficult for me to admit, but here it is: I am moved by the effects of Christianity but not yet by Christ himself. I am touched when a truth, which can be easily traced back to Christ, is played out in real life, truths like perseverance, sacrifice, meaning, generosity, etc. Being moved by these effects do not change my life. Only Christ can, and I need Christ himself to personally find me. That devotional aspect of faith which was so real to some of my heros like Rich Mullins or Keith Green is what I am missing. Does this mean that I am not a Christian? Well, I know that loving Jesus is not some intangible feeling or even an experience, but loving Christ is obeying his commands, and that I can do. But just because I do them does not mean that I love Christ. I can be a very good husband by staying chaste, not lusting, taking out the garbage, etc., but doing all those things does not mean that I have a wife or that I am married to someone. I first need a wife in order to be a good husband. I first need Christ the person before I can, as an expression of my love for Christ, love my neighbors as a Christian. The effects are good and powerful, but Christ is the one I need.

Tim Keller

2006-08-09T13:02:00.001-05:00

When I was a little kid in Korea, I remember falling. My Sunday school teacher laid his clean hands on my bloody knee and prayed for me. It moved me deeply and I mark that incident as my first spiritual experience. Pre-college, I loved most of my youth pastors -- Victor, Danny, Shawn: all of them impacted me profoundly. I remembering crying my eyes out the day Pastor Danny was saying goodbye. Then in college, I fell in love with Preacher Mike. He is the reason I am in ministry today. I can think of numerous other persons and authors who shaped me. The whole of my memory is littered with significant persons that God used to bring me to this point. And now this person is Keller. I have been paying for and listening to his sermons for a decade now. I received my subscription envelope today and it contained 4 non-Keller sermons. Immediately I was disappointed and even annoyed. So I went hunting and found brand new Keller talks on VIDEO and listened to all 9 of them in succession. What can I say? I admire, respect, trust, and appreciate him. He is a 55 year old cancer survivor and I fear the day that he will no longer be with me, even more than I fear Billy Graham's passing. I am not trying to kiss alpha dog's butt (since he doesn't even know I exist and will never read this); I am not trying to be a good student-pastor; and I am not trying to be falsely humble. I have a genuinely deep appreciation for all that he stands for and contributes to my life, to Christendom, as well as to the world at large. He is excellent at what he does and I am grateful to be in his backyard. Here are some links to Keller resources:

• keller1

• keller2

• keller3

• keller4

• keller5

As the Deer Pants for the Water

2006-08-09T13:02:00.000-05:00

I admit that I am a total sermon junkie. I listen to sermons every chance I get. My addiction has nothing to do with research, plagiarism, preaching pointers, etc. The main, if not the only reason, is because I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I swear to this same Jesus that I am not saying that for any reason other than the fact that it is true. I do not tire of hearing the Gospel.

When I was in junior high school and high school, I was obsessed with the Bible and spiritual things. I blame the combination of my abuse background and God's Spirit. Hours would go by as I scoured Old and New Testament stories and verses. Without knowing it, I was engaged in church history, biblical theology, systematic theology, demonology, eschatology, atonement theories, Christology, Calvinism, Arminianism, etc., etc., etc. The obsessive studies didn't necessarily translate to faith, I readily admit but something was there, kind of like the raw, rough love for God's people which caused Moses to kill the Egyptian.

To me, hearing the Gospel is like taking a shower -- if I don't do it at least once a day, I feel dirty, sticky, and unprepared to step outside. In the Gospel, there is infinite truth to be uncovered, understood, applied, and conveyed. God, who is Community, is Creator. Therefore, he is Source, he is Love, and we are. Everything -- EVERYTHNING -- flows from that truth and makes sense in its light. I swear, I am not just trying to sound like a pastor or even a Christian.

Born Again

2006-08-08T13:01:00.000-05:00

Recently, I spent some time with a brand new Christian. She had been on a long and intentional journey to figure out some things about this whole business of faith in Christ. Then one day it clicked. It dawned on her that there is no way to approach God without a mediator. She prayed and committed her life to Jesus (something to the effect of: I will walk with you and follow you for the rest of my life no matter what). Over the next several days, many changes took place:

• her heart and conscience became softened and sensitive

• she found herself feeling, caring, and thinking more

• certain moral views, without pressure, manipulation, or teaching, radically changed

• felt lighter and more hopeful in general

• her grip loosened on everything including things and people that meant the most to her

When I first sat down to chat with her, before we even started talking, I could immediately sense a difference about her. The change was so noticeable that I actually told her that she felt lighter and brighter and asked her why. In fact, I was so deeply moved by this meeting that even as a pastor, I could not adequately, verbally or emotionally, respond to her. I have not been able to stop thinking about it since.

The truth is, I have many doubts and memory lapses about God and the difference he makes. I tend to experience God and his salvation in truth that is practical and cognitive. In other words, being born again is a 20 year process. But this new believer reminded me that there is such a thing as instantaneous new birth as well.

A Third of a Century

2006-08-08T12:59:00.000-05:00

On Sunday, I turned 33 years old. I've never been into birthdays, mine or others'. Last night, Scott, my brother-in-law, mentioned the fact that I am a third of a century old – it never occurred to me to look at it that way! He also suggested that I celebrate a 1/3 century birthday. So I came home, made a couple of phone calls, and figured out exactly when my 1/3 century birthday is: December 6, 2006, 4 PM. I don't ever remember looking forward to a birthday celebration before; I am looking forward to this one.

Scary Statistics

2006-08-04T12:56:00.000-05:00

I love my job. I want to do it for the rest of my life. I never want to retire. I've come across some very sobering facts and statistics. God, have mercy on your church:

Pastors
• 1,500 pastors leave the ministry each month due to moral failure, spiritual burnout, or church contention
• 50% of pastors' marriages will end in divorce
• 80% pastors and 84% of their spouses feel unqualified and discouraged in their role as pastors
• 50% of pastors are so discouraged that they would leave the ministry if they could make another living
• 80% of seminary and Bible school graduates who enter the ministry will leave the ministry within 5 years
• 70% of pastors constantly fight depression
• 40% polled said they have had an extra-marital affair since beginning their ministry
• 70% said the only time they study the Bible is during sermon prep

Pastors' Wives
• 80% of pastors' spouses feel their spouse is overworked
• 80% of pastors' spouses wish their spouse would choose another profession
• majority of pastor's wives say that the most destructive event that has occurred in their marriage and family was the day they entered the ministry

Not Burning Out

2006-08-04T12:55:00.000-05:00

Been feeling the beginnings of burn out for the past couple of months. I love my job and I consider it a great privilege and joy. Sometimes I don't realize that I am being spent when I do the job. I came across some indicators of burn out. I've bolded the ones that I can relate to right now. I would say that I am not burnt out and I will not be. Just on the border of the beginning:

• unusual mood swings that may include weeping without just cause, anger, or depression
• exhaustion
• paranoia and suspicion
• weight change, including gain or loss
• moments of panic and feeling totally overwhelmed
• fantasizing about dying or running away to get away from the pressure
• fight-or-flight cycles where you rise up to intimidate and conquer others or run away from difficulties just to avoid them
• insomnia, including difficulty falling asleep or remaining asleep, which can lead to a reliance on sleeping pills
• too frequent use of alcohol or tobacco
• high blood pressure
• comforting yourself with unhealthy foods packed with fat, sugar, and simple carbohydrates
• general irritability
• reckless driving
• change in sexual desire of either noticeable increase or decrease
• notable ongoing sexual temptation
• health-related issues such as irritable bowel syndrome, headaches, heart trouble, chronic sickness, and stomach problems including ulcers
• a victim mentality that sees the world as against you and everyone as an enemy to varying degrees
• shopping sprees and unnecessary financial spending
• reliance on caffeine to self-medicate
• children, friends, and loved ones begin to feel like yet another burden

So what have I been doing about it?
• sleeping more (desperately trying)
• exercising regularly
• spiritually feeding myself (sermons, reading, prayer, etc.)
• spending time with family
• creating more margin
• trying to have fun in general
• taking days or parts of days off (like today!)
• catching up on maintenance work (life is not spinning out of control!)
• finding healthy release valves
• spending more time training leaders
• spending alone time

I don't think I am going to burn out. Or maybe kid #3 will knock me silly.

Pharisaical Sabbath Observance

2006-08-01T14:50:00.000-05:00

I don't know if it's because I just preached on it, but I see Pharisaical Sabbath observance everywhere, particularly in areas of morality or integrity. It is easy to have blinders on, to moralize one particular issue and not see the whole picture. It's easy to hate on people and mistakenly think one is doing the right thing, to take on a victim mentality (I have no choice, things are happening to me, etc.), to think in terms of lose/lose and sacrifice. I think it's easy to even feel a sense of affirmation as self-inflicted difficulties arise. It's easy to not love life but actually want to die. Looking back and around, it is easy to see how we sabotage others and self and life. May God protect us from our love of darkness!